Shell's Story

I hated myself so much that my menstrual cycle vanished for over 6 years.

Yep, let that sink in.

I used to party, A LOT, when I worked in my corporate life, booze, drugs, ciggies, all the things. I fell pregnant when I was 29 and tidied up a bunch of that, added in organic food, exercise and (what I thought was) fun.

I felt confident that this would be the solution to removing those quiet but persistent voices in my head telling me ON REPEAT, that I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Removing all the things that were ‘damaging’ my health definitely helped but ultimately I had just switched coke for kale.

The outside looked so so different, but inside I still battled, on some days it was crippling, with this voice telling me I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I was fat and ugly, not skinny enough (not skinny at all), not a good enough mother, not a good enough wife, not funny enough, not organic enough, not a good friend, not good enough at exercise, not creative, not pretty… the list was literally endless.

I am a happy, positive person, which made these beliefs inside of me feel even worse because the contrast from the outside to the inside was so different. Both parts felt real, but how can they both be me? I felt confused and like my body and mind were betraying me.

Looking at my precious daughter, I was grief stricken, I had to find a way through this and make it different because I could not pass this shit on to her. I knew I would love her so perfectly that she would be different (I know now that is impossible). I went on like this for years, wanting to be different but never free from the whisper… not good enough…

I read an article one day, a study on body image and self love, with a particular focus on mothers and daughters. One line brought me to my knees.

Your daughter will not love herself as much as you love her, your daughter will love herself as much as you love yourself.

It made me dry retch, the dread in the pit of my stomach at the realisation I was passing all this hatred on to my daughter sunk in. I was paralysed with my thoughts.

I thought of all the times that I had disengaged in life and fun with my daughter because of this hate. For example, we were in Fiji and I refused to go horse riding with Bonnie because I was worried that my legs would look fat in the shorts I was wearing!! WTF… seriously.

There were countless other times flooding my head where I had opted out of life.

I started talking deeply about this, to my friends, to a counsellor, and finally to my husband. I realised how much of a suffocating impact this was having on all those around me. Especially my family.

I founded Pineapple to create a space where women could turn up and be vulnerable.

I wanted to inspire women to live life to the full, to know that there is a way out from under the crushing not good enough beliefs.

A place to be supported and loved while they come undone, to build strong bodies and minds, to have a tribe of warrior women behind them, advocating for their success and collectively desiring better for our children! To be the best we can be for ourselves.

I learnt to relax my rules about being hardcore anything (either party animal or wholefood maniac), I was able to find balance in my life, I could breathe again, I could look in the mirror and love myself, with curiosity, courage and compassion. This is a continual commitment, which I am held accountable to, to keep living out my values.

I love that Pineapple has helped 100’s of women live their best lives, living out loud, learning to love themselves and know… they can be badass, kinda broken/kinda healing and work on some killer goals, from a place of worthiness, love and respect for their incredible bodies, whilst still being on the journey.

My mind is still blown that the (largely undetected) internal stress and hatred I had for myself created a hormonal, cortisol fuelled shitstorm that made my reptilian brain think my life was in danger and it was not safe to reproduce…. FARK!

My cycle returned after 6 long years. We welcomed our 2nd daughter into our family.

Seeing my girls be proud of their bodies, of what they can do and achieve when they respect them, fuel them well and move them with joy, confirms that all this bloody hard work I have put in is more than worth it.

I have come undone in a super messy, crazy way in order to put myself back together and carve out a new path for ME to be the woman I am meant to be, the MOTHER my babies need to see, the example of a true warrior woman who can look at herself and be vulnerable and authentic knowing they truly are her superpowers, finding the joy in life, and revelling in imperfection.

Summed up best by Brene Brown ‘Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart’. These words somehow breathe life deep into my soul that keeps me centred and energised to keep going.

I exist to help women become confident in their own skin.

xx Shell